Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
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Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
moms in horror movies
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
*ernest hemingway voice*