All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
You Might Also Like
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.