Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
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Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
She: I like Cats
He:
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂