Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
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If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba