In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
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weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂