Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
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At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.