*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
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If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.