To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
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[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*