LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
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GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*