I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
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the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
This kid is a star!
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.