Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
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[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
This came to me in a dream.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.