My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
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The Book. The Movie.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”