“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
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JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit