So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
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[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall