Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
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Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no