Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
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That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know