The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
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Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.