Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
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I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Just how popey was the pope today?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”