Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
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Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
incredible
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I put the hot in psychotic.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle