Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
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Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Me if I was a dog
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
need him
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.