Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
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Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Lmao
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit