Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
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some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Born to be mild.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.