AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
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me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
😅🤣😂
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.