me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
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OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.