How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
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Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?