Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
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*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”