It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
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As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.