If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
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ok like just. call me at this point
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.