If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
You Might Also Like
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me