10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
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“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
A completely valid reaction tbh
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.