[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
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*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Ha.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.