Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
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* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.