shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
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Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.