Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.