No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
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A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I drew y’all a little something.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?