I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
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BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
My inexpensive home security system…
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early