me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
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It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint