I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
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*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong