Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
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[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
#winning
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.