“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
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“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
wishing you and yours all the best
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN