After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
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I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me