WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
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[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild