The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
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i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
peak technology
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
How about daylight saves us for once
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
This is me 🤣🤣
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.