My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
You Might Also Like
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Tell the colonel to bring it
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.