Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
You Might Also Like
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
My life coach traded me.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive