I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
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Des Moines Police having a normal one
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?