Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
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Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Going into Monday like
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
🤣🤣🤣