Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
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There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I didn’t come here to be called names
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science