If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
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I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.