“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
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I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Go hard or stay average
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Very good! 👍😂
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.